Emotional agility

Emotional agility or EI (Emotional Intelligence)

(A contribution by Lemongrass Coach Wendy van de Kragt)

Emotional agility: Looking for some inspiring imagery for a dear client who wants to get to know her emotions better, I stumbled across this Ted x video.

I looked at it and thought: this woman says exactly what I do when I'm at work, only I hadn't yet found the words for it in this way. Thanks Susan David, psychologist and leadership expert.

In my words:

We inhabit one side of the lemniscate; namely, of emotional rigidity. We emphasise being strong and positive "wow how clever she is strong" we say when someone just carries on after a near death. And so unconsciously place a judgement on emotions, which are not. Life is unpredictable and the world is turbulent, and we are human, so we all have fear, anger, shame, feel powerless at times, sad, guilty, resentful, jealous and desperate. If these emotions are not allowed to be there, they go underground and actually gain power. Or we start to coincide with our emotions: I AM angry, I am being short-changed, our ego takes over. Instead, we can say I have anger or I feel anger.

Acknowledge and name concretely

If we recognise that we have an emotion, can admit it with an open heart, acknowledge it (and also with our loved ones, children, colleagues) and learn to name it concretely (not: "I'm stressed", but rather "I feel quite a bit of anger now that my supervisor is asking my colleague for that nice job for the second time"), then space is created to explore what this emotion is saying to us. Are old hurts being touched here? What value or need of mine is at stake here?

So by acknowledging, normalising and exploring, we get to know ourselves and each other better, and this helps to then think: what do I want to do now based on this info? The whole idea is that you then no longer (or at least less) act impulsively and mostly unconsciously from that emotion, but can choose more freely what you want to do next. And in that last step, it is so important to take your values with you. What is it really about for you right now? What is your higher purpose? And in the context of that, you can act. That usually takes courage; for example, going into the real conversation to raise something that matters to you.

All this is much needed to keep sailing on your internal compass in uncertain times, and not on your fears and insecurities.

Susan David:

"At its core, emotional agility is about the capacity to see ourselves and others in a wholehearted and healthy way. It's a set of essential psychological skills for our complex world-a world that often chooses not to see.."

Tips

How can you pay more attention to your emotions? For a start: start writing! Keep a journal where you write down your emotions for a few minutes every day. Or start the day with journaling; write down everything that comes to mind for 10 min. And learn to notice, allow and endure your feelings: practise noticing what happens in your body without immediately doing anything about it: body scan, breathing exercises, meditation. Finally, discuss your feelings with your loved ones both at home and at work.

Wendy van de Kragt